24th June 2007

I had a very strange moment today - for those that know me this is not an unfrequent occurence! But this was one of those stop you in your tracks moments. It suddenly hit me that if I close my mind to the memories of everything I have already been through, the adoption becomes very unreal. There is nothing at all going on in my day to day life about it other than talking. No communication from the agency, the social workers, lawyers nothing. It's the limbo of waiting. It all feels very dreamlike and I have to remind myself that I could get "the call" at any time....

So I got to thinking: OK, so if this is it, no adoption and this is my life for always - would it really be that bad? The answer is an unequivocal No, it wouldn't be bad. I have the most fabulous little girl already, a loving husband, step sons that are fundamentally good men that aren't out mugging grannies, great extended family, a good career and a 5 year plan that allows me to quit everything and spend my life at the WI and PTA... my idea of bliss... So why am I doing this? Why have I put myself through years of pain, trauma and emotional suicide at times trying to "get" another child? That, is the $6 million question. And the answer is, simply, because I have to. No one's forcing me, except me. There's something missing, I love being a Mum, I adore being a Mum. My family is the most important thing to me ever, but there's a space in it, a seat left empty, it just isn't complete. I want another child to love, hubby and I want a child together to love and Princess Toodles wants to be a big sister (although that may change when the realities of life hit her!!!)

So the journey continues, I try and keep it real because when it happens by God I better be prepared! I dream, I get fixations with shelving and I keep myself busy doing useful things. People say that when you bring your child home you forget all the painful parts of getting her there. I'll raise a glass of wine to that! (where's the corkscrew???)